Wednesday, May 16, 2012

What is "Lost in Infinity" really about?

Before anyone reads it, the first question is always, “What is it about?” Afterward it becomes, “How much of it is true?”

What is it about?

That’s the harder of the two to answer without giving away too much. The novel is a psychological suspense thriller at heart, written in the form of a fictional autobiography. The book follows the narrator as he explores his lifelong struggle with insomnia and the meaning of human existence. The narrator’s crippling fear of infinity and the unknown boundaries of space and time fracture his grip on reality as the reader is pulled along down his path of self discovery, unlocking suppressed memories that may hold the key to his fears and answer the question of, “What is the meaning of life?”

Giving any more clues to what the book is about would ruin the experience.

If you appreciate the work of Chuck Palahniuk (“Survivor”, “Fight Club”), Kurt Vonnegut (“Slaughterhouse-Five”, “Timequake”) or Dean Koontz (“Odd Thomas”, “Life Expectancy”) you’ll likely enjoy this book.

How much of it is true?

I take back what I said earlier about this being the easier question to address. The simple answer is “enough”. The book takes the actual events and struggles of my life and puts meaning to them where none could be found. It takes the darkest of my fears and explores the possibilities that frighten me most. It puts into words the moments of my life that have defined, inspired, changed, stifled and plagued me throughout my tenure as a cast member in the play of life. That said, because of the nature of the novel, the main character needed to be a pretentious, overconfident headcase and kind of a dick. Oh, and maybe a little bit schizophrenic... The lines of truth more than blurry.

Enjoy the show.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

a note from searchingforapieceofmind

so yeah. i’m reading this now.

i downloaded it on amazon kindle, and i’m enthralled. its an interesting read, definitely something different than the 50 shades of whatever that was…thank goodness. that 50 shades thing lost me at the second book. definitely worth the read so far. at first, i couldn’t get quite into it. now, i don’t want to put it down. 

also, i just realized..if it weren’t for kindle, i would have waited for that book to be delivered…which would have made it so i probably didn’t read it, because i’m a “here and now” kinda person.

so..yay for instant gratification. 

(i plan on reading a dream undone next, done by another talented tumblr writer )


I hope you like it! Let me know what you think.

Writer Travis Besecker @finallyhesleeps let’s us quiz him about his new book, Lost In Infinity and accepts an invitation to become Adie’s dungeon slave.

This was an awesome interview. Make sure you listen each week to Adie and Shaan on fingerbang radio here.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

You remember Ernest Angley? TV healer. He’d slap people’s foreheads—whap!—and they’d flop over, quivering like fish. I used to love watching him. It was like professional wrestling for Baptists.

The Devil’s Alphabet - Daryl Gregory

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Check out my interview with Adie and Shaan

You can check it out on iTunes here:

Or listen via SoundCloud here:

When I die I’m being buried in a “WWJD?” t-shirt so when the Zombie Apocalypse occurs I’ll be hilarious and ironic at the same time.


This week we have a tag team of awesomeness with Twitter Twats guest @tequilatears he’s so comical, we want him to be our new life coach. Writer Travis Besecker @finallyhesleeps let’s us quiz him about his new book, Lost In Infinity and accepts an invitation to become Adie’s dungeon slave. So yeah…the usual bullshit and banter. Keep on ‘banging! 


Make sure you check this out and follow fingerbang radio on Tumblr, iTunes, SoundCloud and Twitter.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

WinkNudgeSayNoMo: FINALLY finished Lost In Infinity!!

Link: WinkNudgeSayNoMo: FINALLY finished Lost In Infinity!!


FINALLY finished Lost In Infinity!!

I know. I know. I’m always the last one to finish. 

This was not a book that I could read at the ball field. I needed to be able to think. And believe me….that’s not easy for me. (Shut up. Stop laughing. I just have NO time to sit and think.)

I’m so glad that I finished it though. So incredibly glad.

I’m still trying to sort out the right words…but right now all I can come up with is…

I’m reeling. 

Such a great concept and such a brilliant way of working the concept and the theme into the entire book…each page…without it being the least bit obvious. I thought I knew where it was going and I was completely wrong.

Thank you, Travis, for sharing this. For creating this.


This is the kind of reaction that makes writing “Lost in Infinity” feel like an accomplishment.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Friday Book Giveaway

Link: Friday Book Giveaway

I’m giving away a signed copy of “Lost in Infinity” each and every Friday until people are no longer interested or “Harnessing the Spark” is released.

If you want one, here’s what you have to do:

1) You MUST be following me at @FinallyHeSleeps on Twitter

2) Your MUST RT this tweet on your timeline or this post on your Blog

3) send a reply on Twitter telling me why you want or need a signed copy of the book.

That’s it. Nothing else. You can do it all week long if you like. I’ll keep track and decide each Friday night. I’ll do it every week until people stop asking for copies.

Good luck.


Can’t wait to start it. (Taken with instagram)


let me know what you think!

This sums up how I feel today…


Bring me all the drugs.

Did I mention I need someone to bring me all the drugs?

Not ha-ha this is fun drugs but fuck my head and stomach and throat are in the seventh ring of hell drugs.

Over 500 people signed up for GoodReads “Lost in Infinity” giveaway of 10 books which is awesome.

Did I mention I’m sick?


How Much Does Fire Weigh? 

Question: Since fire is a plasma, and plasma is a state of matter, and matter is defined as anything that has mass, would that then mean that fire has mass and weight to it? If so, is there a way to measure its weight? How much space would, say, a pound of fire take up?

AnswerIt weighs more than nothing, but if you’re at the bottom of a pillar of fire, being crushed should be your second concern

Fires, putting aside details about plasma and chemicals or whatever, is just hot air.  For a given pressure the ideal gas law says that the density of a gas is inversely proportional to temperature, in Kelvin.  You can use this fact, the temperature and density of air (300°K 1.3 kg/m3), and the temperature of your average run-of-the-mill open flame (about 1300°K) to find the density of fire. For most “everyday” fires, the density of the gas in the flame will be about 1/4 the density of air.  So, since air (at sea level) weighs about 1.3 kg per cubic meter (1.3 grams per liter), fire weighs about 0.3 kg per cubic meter.

One pound of ordinary fire, here on Earth near sea level, would take up a cube about 1.2 meters to a side.  The reason that fires always flow upward is that its density is lower than air.  So, fire rises in air for the same reason that bubbles rise in water: it’s buoyant.  Enterprising individuals sometimes even take advantage of that fact.

If you were on a planet with no air at all, fire would fall to the ground instead of rise because, like all matter, it’s pulled by gravity.  Also, it would be hard to keep the fire going (what with there being no air).

Wednesday, April 25, 2012


Scary Movies about to get Much Scarier

During the Sundance Film Festival in January, a midnight screening of V/H/S provoked the ultimate audience reaction of the horror movie genre. Some scenes were so graphic and gory that a man ran from the theater, collapsed in the lobby and had a seizure. His girlfriend followed suit and vomited while he was being treated. An ambulance even had to be called.

Fortunately, the man and his girlfriend were fine after being treated by paramedics. Unfortunately, horror movies are about to get even more nauseating thanks to the latest technology from Dolby Laboratories. But if you’re a fan of seizure-inducing horror movies, consider it your lucky day.

On Monday the company revealed its new sound system call the Dolby Atmos, capable of pumping out sound how we naturally hear it: from every direction. Unlike current sound systems that push sound from the sides of theaters, the Atmos system can not only deliver sound from above, it will be able to swirl sound around the theater.

Senior technical marketing manager for Dolby Laboratories, Stuart Bowling, said the new Atmos system is one of the biggest technological advances the company has made in the last 20 years.

“You can imagine watching a scary movie, and it’s a scene when someone is hiding in a basement and there are footsteps on the floorboards above,” Bowling said, according to the New York Times. “The Atmos system will actually play that audio from above people in the theater.”

The new system will feature 64 speaker feeds and will be in select theaters later this year.

“Dolby Atmos is our most significant innovation in years and represents the future for entertainment sound in cinema,”  President and Chief Executive Officer, Dolby Laboratories, Kevin Yeaman said in a press release. “We have leveraged our deep insights into how people hear and experience sound to empower filmmakers, studios, and exhibitors with new technology that transforms storytelling.”

1) C 

2) C

3) B if I’m being rational, C if I’m being me

4) D

5) A for mobility and ease of finding fuel, but C would be tempting… very tempting

6) D for reasons


The slightly sauced @StellaRtwot joins us for this installment of Twitter Twats


I’m still trying to convince Denise that her and I are long lost siblings separated at birth… We even have matching birthmarks on our penises.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Monday, April 23, 2012


Oh hey Claire, whatcha doin? Oh nothing just trying to cure my insomnia by reading a book about an insomniac. And not being successful because the book is really really good. Me being topless has nothing to do with this, I just am. Big thanks to Travis for my new oversized nip covers. <3 (Taken with instagram)


I can’t help but think about the fact that there’s a picture of me on the back cover…


Tumblr Crushes:

I think this is my first crush box appearance with this blog… 

Harnessing the Spark - #38 (Chapter 19)

Link: Harnessing the Spark - #38 (Chapter 19)


Installment #38 of the on-going online ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE horror novel

CHAPTER 19 (part 1)

The sun warmed my feet as they poked out the end of the blanket. I pulled them back in and curled my legs back against Dexter still snuggled up under the covers. He left out a deep breath and grumble…

read more

Harnessing the Spark - #37 (Chapter 18)

Link: Harnessing the Spark - #37 (Chapter 18)


Installment #37 of the on-going online ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE horror novel


“Elphie, wake up… c’mon Elphie.”

I opened my eyes but couldn’t focus on the face in the dark. I attempted speech but my vocal chords seemed miles away as did the rest of my faculties.

“For fuck’s sake, sis. I…

read more

Friday, April 20, 2012


because there aren’t any pics of me on here

All a gun does is focus an explosion in one direction.  You have a class of young strong men and women, and they want to give their lives to something.  Advertising has these people chasing cars and clothes they don’t need.  Generations have been working in jobs they hate, just so they can buy what they don’t really need.

We don’t have a great war in our generation, or a great depression, but we do, we have a great war of the spirit.  We have a great revolution against the culture.  The great depression is our lives.  We have a spiritual depression. 

- Chuck Palahniuk

Thursday, April 19, 2012

This represents my youth.


Yay!!!!! My books finally arrived!!!!

If you need me I won’t be available I’ll be traveling wherever these take me.


What does it say about me that all I could think of when I saw this picture is “at least I’m not a bottom”

I don’t know?

(yes, that was a super hero semen turned You Can’t Do That On Television reference)

Wednesday, April 18, 2012


Finally got my copy of Lost In Infinity.


I love this photo!

Rest in Peace Dick Clark

Too soon for me to make fun of his passing.

Not too soon to feel horrible for laughing at some of you evil fuckers doing it though.


Good thing I don’t believe in hell, otherwise I’d have just secured a seat next to the furnace.

It’s difficult to rationalize intellect without sounding like a flaming douchebag

Lost in Infinity, Travis Besecker (via lovelifeandengineering)

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Today I shall return to "Harnessing the Spark"

The novel is at the halfway mark. I’ve been neglecting it for obvious reasons, but I think it’s high time I get back to it.

“high time” is a really strange phrase. I’m assuming it refers to high noon but I’m not curious enough to look it up so I’ll just contemplate its origins here.

There are many that would argue “high time” is 4:20pm. I am not one of those people. I have long since graduated high school.

Not that there is anything wrong with smoking the mary-jah-hu-ha. Other than it being illegal I guess, but that in itself is a debate I would gladly get behind. I would sell the magic dragon down by the sea for fun and profit without a second thought.

Speaking of the sea, why do fisherman always refer to the sea and never the ocean? There is a difference right? The open sea isn’t really the sea at all. The sea is the area between the land and ocean, the sea is partly surrounded by land by definition. The next time a sailor says he wants to get back to the sea, I shall call him a pussy. The ocean is where the true adventurer would take to. Then he’ll probably punch me in the face.

Getting punched in the face can be very therapeutic. How much can you know about yourself if you’ve never been in a fight?

I really need to read a few books that are on my list. “Out of Oz” is current, then “Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter” then something by Chuck P.

Where was I? Oh yeah, today I shall return to “Harnessing the Spark”

Sunday, April 15, 2012

I REALLY need objective reviews...

Anyone interested in reading and offering an objective review of “Lost in Infinity”, let me know. 

Or if you have already read it and haven’t offered up a review, you should do that. Even if you fucking hated it, didn’t get it, don’t understand the hype or just wish it would go away.

You can post reviews on Tumblr and tag me, Amazon, Goodreads or Barnes and Noble.

EVERY Review is appreciated.


I think it's time to give up on the dream...

that I’ll ever be an incredibly wealthy and beautiful heiress.

Or a princess.

Or a Suicide Girl.

*deep breath*


I need to realize I have limitations.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Who wants a signed copy? FOR FREE

Link: Who wants a signed copy? FOR FREE

I’m giving away a signed copy of “Lost in Infinity” each and every Friday until people are no longer interested or “Harnessing the Spark” is released.

If you want one, here’s what you have to do:

1) You MUST be following me at @FinallyHeSleeps on Twitter

2) Your MUST RT this tweet on your timeline or this post on your Blog

3) send a reply on Twitter telling me why you want or need a signed copy of the book.

That’s it. Nothing else. You can do it all week long if you like. I’ll keep track and decide each Friday night. I’ll do it every week until people stop asking for copies.

Good luck.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

New Reviews up at Amazon!

Thank you to everyone who has read the book and offered up their opinion. I appreciate each and every one.

This was so cute until I imagined she was a zombie.

S.G. Browne - Shooting Monkeys in a Barrel

I am going to go ahead and assume you all know how much I loved “Breathers” by S.G. Browne… He has a new collection of short stories out which I plan on reading as soon as I’m finished with Daryl Gregory’s “Devil’s Alphabet”. Check this out from S.G. Browne’s website and try not to put it on your list.


Shooting Monkeys in a Barrel

An original ebook collection of ten dark and humorous tales that includes: a family of luck poachers; extraterrestrial sex toys; a group of professional guinea pigs; a reality TV show starring the Seven Deadly Sins; and a zombie gigolo.

Just to name a few.

Several of the stories have appeared in other print collections or anthologies and others are brand-new tales that have never been published. Two of the stories included, “A Zombie’s Lament” and “Softland,” are the predecessors to my novels, Breathers and Lucky Bastard, while “The Sodom and Gomorrah Shore” incorporates several characters that appeared in my second novel, Fated. And after each tale you’ll find author notes as to how the story originated.

Here’s a brief description of the stories you’ll find inside this original ebook collection of Ten Twisted Tales:

“A Zombie’s Lament” – A newly reanimated corpse attends Undead Anonymous meetings with other zombies and comes to terms with the reality of his new existence.

“Softland” – A family of luck poachers living in central California attempts to turn around its fortunes from a deal gone bad.

“My Ego Is Bigger than Yours” – A new designer drug reinvents role-playing games by allowing its users to temporarily become dead celebrities and fictional characters.

“Dream Girls” – A futuristic tale of sexual obsession, extraterrestrial intelligence, the death of Marilyn Monroe, and the assassination of JFK.

“Shooting Monkeys in a Barrel” – A writer suffering from writer’s block becomes addicted to the words he purchases from a drug dealer.

“Captivity” – A lonely and terrified prisoner is held captive in a bizarre and mysterious place.

“The Sodom and Gomorrah Shore” – The Seven Deadly Sins star in the original reality television show, set back during the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah.

“Homer’s Reprise” – A modern day story of Odysseus that blends Greek mythology with Big Foot, the Loch Ness Monster, and Herman Melville’sMoby-Dick.

“Dr. Lullaby” – A panhandler and professional guinea pig discovers that the pharmaceutical drugs he’s been testing have given him unusual side effects.

“Zombie Gigolo” – A day in the life of a living corpse who provides a unique service for lonely and desperate female zombies.

Wicked Pissah Y'all: I am a collector. A collector of words. I collect books, new books,...

Link: Wicked Pissah Y'all: I am a collector. A collector of words. I collect books, new books,...


I am a collector. A collector of words. I collect books, new books, old books, second hand books, good books, crappy books, seductive books, raunchy books, text books, classic books, any and all books. I have known to me authors, recommended authors, unknowns and one hit wonders. Some sit on the shelf years collecting dust, waiting to be read.

I have boxes of books in my attic. All have been read. Each box’s contents have been carefully cataloged, by author and title, in a Word document filed on my laptop and my external hard drive. Each box has a print out of it’s contents displayed on either end for easy reference. I would love to have all of my books displayed but space being limited I don’t have that luxury.

I am a purist. I do not own a Kindle or any such ereader. I love the texture of the paper between my fingers. Holding the next page partially lifted, anticipating the turn when I’ve consumed the last word on the page. The weight of the book the heft of the collection of words and thoughts and ideas and feelings contained within. The sound of the spine of the book being opened for the first time brings me joy and exhilaration…..what journey are we taking today. I could spend hours in a book store, the paper and print perfuming the air. My fingers wantonly caressing the spines…..waiting for the right collection of words to seduce me and draw me in.

Due to limited space I only have one book shelf of my very own. In this case, I collect new purchases that await my consumption. I also reserve space for my old loves, tried and true, must reread yearly books. Some people read a book once and are done….not I. There are some books that I reread and they are still new to me. No, the words don’t change. The author’s voice doesn’t change. I am the one that has changed over the years and the words touch me and speak to me in a different way with every reading.

Today, I surveyed my bookcase and an unread collection of words called out to me. So, Conviction, as I dust off your cover, open your virgin spine and run my fingers delicately over your pages…..what do you have in store for me…..where will we go together?


Can this be my GPOYW?

As if I don't have a bookcase full of unread books I've picked up along the way.....because I can never turn down a good pair of shoes or a good book.....


I indulged in a little retail therapy for myself this morning on……

I ordered………….Lost In Infinity by Travis Besecker and 50 Shades of Grey -Book 1 by E L James……

Guess what I will be doing instead of housework, cleaning, laundry and cooking once they arrive…..

And NO, I don’t want a Kindle….I am a book purist……I want to feel the pages between my fingers….It’s more than that…..I wrote about it…..I am a collector of words


I am way excited because the next time someone goes to Amazon to pick up “Lost in Infinity” it is going to show that Customers who purchased this book also bought “50 Shades of Grey” only because… well… because… yeah…

I hope you enjoy it. Tell me which book has better sex scenes.


SQUEE!!! Got my copy today!!!


What a treat to come home to after a 12 hour day in the field!

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

only $1.99

“Lost in Infinity” available for download to Kindle or any electronic device using the free Kindle App.

Yep, no excuse for you not to be reading it now.

The Hunger Games

*Spoiler Alert*

“I’m poor, I’m hungry, I volunteer! No one loves me. Why?” - Katniss

“I love you.” - Peeta

“I’m scared. Why?” - Katniss

“I’m drunk.” - Haymitch

“I’m annoying.” - Effie

“I’m on fire. Why?” - Katniss

“I love you.” - Peeta

“Everyone’s trying to kill me. Why?” - Katniss

“I’m not. I love you.” - Peeta

“We have to kill everyone. Why?” - Katniss

“Because I love you.” - Peeta

“Here, eat these berries.” - Katniss

“I love you.” - Peeta

“I won! I lied. I love Gale.” - Katniss

“Fuck you.” - Peeta

“Why?” - Katniss


The End


I kept my fears private and away from scrutiny for years. About a 10 months ago, I started to open up and share. At first it didn’t help at all but eventually it started to calm the confusion and quiet the hysteria. I started to be able to go to sleep at night with less and less trouble. It wasn’t just the sharing that did it. It was the support of my anonymous internet friends and the tender guidance of my girl that kept me climbing each rung. In November I decided to put everything into words. I started with the history of my phobia and wove it into a fictional tale that gave me the opportunity to get everything off my chest but not at the same time. It helped. It helped a lot.

I still have nights where I can’t think of anything else. There are still nights where my head won’t cooperate with the rest of my body and I start chasing my tail in mental circles of backwards logic and unanswered questions.

Those nights are fewer this year than they have been in the past. They are still there, but not as often.

I’ve seen lulls like this before so I’m not overexcited, but I am optimistic none-the-less. I know it will never be resolved in my head but I think it’s something that I can manage. For the time being I am hopeful.

You guys should come find me on GoodReads...

It’s like I’m a legitimate author or something.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

I must buy this.

For research purposes.

I can’t explain to you guys how much I love seeing you flaunt your books!

Thank you to @uniglittertits for this one! One of the funniest, sassiest, sexiest, goofiest women keeping Twitter relevant and entertaining.

Friday, April 6, 2012

It's Friday again

Link: It's Friday again


I’m giving away a signed copy of “Lost in Infinity” each and every Friday until people are no longer interested or “Harnessing the Spark” is released.

If you want one, here’s what you have to do:

1) You MUST be following me at @FinallyHeSleeps on Twitter

2) Your MUST RT this tweet on your timeline or this post on your Blog

3) send a reply on Twitter telling me why you want or need a signed copy of the book.

That’s it. Nothing else. You can do it all week long if you like. I’ll keep track and decide each Friday night. I’ll do it every week until people stop asking for copies.

Good luck.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Harnessing the Spark - #36 (Chapter 18)

Link: Harnessing the Spark - #36 (Chapter 18)


Harnessing the Spark - #36 (Chapter 18)

Installment #36 of the on-going online ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE horror novel 

CHAPTER 18 (part 1)

Alex was waiting impatiently just inside the cabin’s screen door when our ATV’s pulled back up out front. She opened the door but was knocked out of the way by an escaping Dexter, hellbent on being the first to welcome us back. Nick turned off the four-wheeler and whispered over his shoulder, “You ok, sis?”

I sat up, my cheek numb where it had been resting on the seam of his shirt. “I’m fine. I just need to lie down I think.” I took a moment to gather myself and started to swing my leg up and around the fender before the dizziness snatched me up.

“Hold still, Elphie! Let me help you.” Dave jogged the last few steps and grabbed my forearm, likely keeping me from face-planting into the gravel.

“What happened?” Alex asked frantically. “Who’s hurt?”

“Elphie hit her head. She’s fine though.” Nick took my other arm and helped Dave get me up to the cabin. “Can you get the door?” he asked Alex as she just stood and stared at me through pain filled eyes.

“She did that ‘I’m fast as fuck’ thing again too. It was even worse this time though.” Jo walked up the stairs behind me, dusting her hands off on the front of her jeans. “She even threw up just like before.”

“Elphie?” Alex asked. “What’s going on with you girl?” She brushed the flyaway bangs out of my eyes as the boys let me slump into the padded chair by the front desk. Alex leaned onto the armrest and continued to pet my red hair. “Someone tell me exactly what happened.”

Dave began. “Everything went fine until one of the things saw Elphie out an emergency exit and crashed through to get to her. We couldn’t see it from the front or back entrance because it was obscured by a book case. By the time we got to her, she was wrestling with a few. When she fell…”

“I hit my head,” I interrupted. “That’s all. I bumped my head on a big fucking rock OUCH!” I touched the back of my head and winced. “Dave and Nick finished the zombies off before I was bit.”

“Where the fuck were you while all of this was going on?” Alex turned on Jo.

“Hold your horses sister. I was on the roof, firing through the skylight.” Jo reached across the counter for a green apple sitting atop a wooden fruit bowl. She looked it over, rubbed it on her shirt and took a loud bite. “Where’s my brother by the way?” she asked through a mouthful of apple.

“He’s curled up on a cot in the other room.” Alex smiled at me, then turned back to face Jo. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to jump down your throat.”

“It’s fine. I understand. You don’t know me and you sure as hell don’t trust me.” Jo crunched the apple yet again. Her stoney face gave away no emotion which was borderline creepy.

I closed my eyes and tried not to focus on the spinning sensation overwhelming me from the core. I turned sideways in the chair and planted my foot on the wall which helped. I felt Alex hug me tight as she slipped into the chair beside me before I drifted off to sleep.

next installment coming soon…

If you’ve missed any earlier parts, they’re available here

Seeking Reviews from anyone interested in an out of the box psychological thriller

Link: Seeking Reviews from anyone interested in an out of the box psychological thriller

I fell in love with Elphaba Thropp

I’ve posted this before on the other blog, but felt it necessary to post here as well…

I fell in love with Elphaba Thropp. I didn’t mean to or want to, it just happened.

About 10 years ago I was traveling for work and ran into a girl I had went to college with. She’s a fellow Designer and we’ve always been really close, especially in taste. We had lunch and ended up discussing movies (always ends up there with me) and music, and eventually books. I read a lot. I’ll read anything too. Everything from “Water for Elephants” to “World War Z” to H.P. Lovecraft to the Bible (I also watch Fox News… can’t argue if you don’t understand both sides of the argument right?). She had just finished “Wicked” by Gregory Maguire and was pretty adamant that I read it. In fact, she left lunch, bought a copy of the book and tracked me down to give it to me before I left town.

That was it, I was obligated to read it. I started the book on the plane, but it put me right to sleep. Slow as dirt and I just couldn’t get into the characters. Anyone who knows me, knows I’m cursed with the inability to quit. Anything. I can’t quit. Fucking anything. With that spelled out, I had to finish the book. After a week at home, I picked the book back up. I reluctantly finished it within the week.

After getting through it, for some reason, I got a little depressed. I kept going back to specific parts of the book in my head. Trying to remember exactly what happened and why. I found myself asking people who had read it if they remembered, but no one could answer my specific inquiries. I couldn’t let it rest, so I picked it back up and started reading it a second time.

This time I couldn’t put it down. Could not. Would not.

I finished it a second time over the weekend. Insomnia has it’s perks. This time, I read it thoroughly, paying attention to the characters, the nuances of the plot and the development of the story as it paralleled The Wizard of Oz.

And Elphaba.

Up until this point, I’d never been so invested in a single character in any book I’d ever read that I felt that if I read it again, maybe something would change. Maybe I missed something and there was a happy story there that I just wasn’t able to pull out. Within 6 months, I ended up reading the entire book four full times. Each and every time, I fell a little more in love with Elphaba.

I’m drawn to tragic, fucked up souls. Broken, downtrodden, in need of fixing kind of people. The emotionally destroyed or handicapped… this is my crowd. I’m also an emotional sponge of sorts, sucking up their sorrow and eating it as if it’s my own. It’s taxing… it’s exhausting, but it’s what I am and at this point in my life, it’s easier to run with it than it is to avoid it. Elphaba is the perfect metaphor for this attraction. A horribly disturbing childhood complete with a drug addicted adulteress mother who came from wealth only to end up in squalor. The father, blinded by religion and disgust for the daughter he feels is the manifestation of the punishment for all his sins as a man of faith. The siblings who she must both take care of and hide within their shadows. Oh, and she’s fucking green.

The story takes her from birth through death and all the train wreck that lies between. Love, life and the complete disregard for her own happiness. Despite all this, I fell in love.

Skip to 2011, and I’ve read the book at least 15 times. At any given moment, about six months pass, and I’m like a secret CIA assassin reaching for his copy of “Catcher in the Rye”. I’m a total fanboy. I’ve bought the book at least a dozen times for friends and relatives.

No one ever reads it on my recommendation.

My sister did get to see it in New York in the Musical form and she fell in love with it on the stage. She agreed to read the book if I went with her to see the play. I go to a reasonable amount of plays and musicals as well, so this wasn’t out of the question. Last year, my sister seized the opportunity and took my mother and I to see “Wicked”.

I was kind of excited. One of my favorite books in live form? Awesome right? Donna Vivino was playing Elphaba and from what I had read prior to the performance, she was stellar in her portrayal. Color me double pumped.

Finally, the day arrived. My excitement was at its peak… it was also short lived.

By the end of the first act, I was nauseous. It was NOT tragic. It was NOT heart breaking. It WAS fucking “Grease”. I felt betrayed. I found myself sitting through intermission trying to pull myself together. It’s just a musical. Get a grip.

By the beginning of the second act, I was full on crying. By the end of the performance, I felt like I was drawing a crowd. I’m a little bitch when it comes to stuff like this so fuck you for judging me. When I get involved in something, I give everything. I hold nothing back. If you’re one of those people who suppress your emotions because you’re afraid of what someone else might say or think, you’re doing life wrong. Seriously. What’s the point?

Back to my tears… I’m talking 5 year old girl watching her pet bunny get torn to shreds by the neighbor’s Rottweiler crylng. Donna Vivino was amazing. Her vocal performance was breathtaking. I tried to enjoy it, I really did. I promise.

But alas, I’d rather’ve been ass-raped with a bowling pin, lube-free, than sit through the entire musical. Seeing as I was with my sister who really wanted me to see it and enjoy it as she had, I stomached the monstrosity to the best of my ability.

I left the theater physically ill. Physically fucking ill.

Total truth, sitting through that musical is one of the worst moments of my life. If I could take it back, I would. For three hours I watched an entire audience blindly enjoy my beloved Elphaba turned into a comedic circus monkey, organ grinder in hand, tipping her fez for treats, coming of age and cracking quips about being green. Fuck you. Fuck every single one of you who enjoyed that horrible piece of shit.


If I’d have known what they were doing to my Elphaba, I would have stayed home. I’d have kept my love affair tragic, dark and full of despair with a heavy dose of heartbreak.

I’d also like to point out this was the last Musical I have ever attended. Will ever attend. AND, given the opportunity, I’d unleash ebola on the set of “Glee” out of pure principle.


If you’ve seen the Musical “Wicked”, but never read the book “Wicked”, don’t. And don’t ever speak to me about it. Ever. Just don’t.

If you’ve read the book, but never seen the Musical, DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE

did you know?

The first 20 pages of “Lost in Infinity” are available to preview on Amazon

and the first 38 pages are available to read on GoodReads

an excerpt from "Lost in Infinity"

I haven’t posted an except in a while so here goes…

“Hurry up and finish your Cheerios, Mr. Wick is going to be ready soon.” My mother flitted about the kitchen like a moth fighting for purchase on a porch light. “You still need to brush your teeth!”

Today was my first day of Bible Camp. My mother’s church was offering the service for two weeks, in the heat of July, without air conditioning. Most governments would have considered this cruel and unusual punishment. I hopped down from the table and proceeded to get ready. My mother had laid out my clothes last night flat on my bedroom floor. She apparently wanted me to appear as though someone responsible had dressed me. Button up shirt and khaki pants. Did she not realize that I’d be melting by mid morning? I looked at the silk-screened Yoda t-shirt and striped shorts sitting on my chair with longing and dismay. Reluctantly, I chose my battle wisely and buttoned up the plaid dress shirt with a sigh.

I’d never attended church before that day. My mother went regularly, but I had always been permitted to stay home with my father instead. The last few weeks I’d been asking questions that my mother could not answer. Questions like, “How can there be a God and your religion be right if there are lots of religions? Is everyone else wrong?” and “How do you know there is a heaven? Just because someone tells you to jump off of a bridge, you don’t have to do it.” She wasn’t very happy with me. My father had found it funny. She did not. After a few weeks of badgering her without remorse, she took up the quandary with her pastor. He was the one who had suggested she spring for enrollment in the Bible Camp. He assured her that all of my questions could be answered by studying the good word of the Holy Bible.

Before this day I had been fascinated with Chaos Theory. I was convinced that each and every action undertaken by each and every person had repercussions felt across the span of human kind. A boy in Guatemala eats a corn taco and a bird in Phoenix flies directly into a window. There must be a greater connection between all living things than just the random collision of molecules resulting in an acceptable collage of life. Like ripples in a lake, each initial change in condition affects every wave that the initial wave touches, changing each wave each changed wave touches, and so on and so on. Chaotic systems cannot be determined or predicted but they can be manipulated. Making changes in your life that you would normally not make can change everything for everyone.

I began to make changes to my behavior on purpose just to change the course of human kind. I began second guessing every action for fear of how it would affect the rest of the world. From this obsession I began to concern myself with faith and religion. My mother’s beliefs contradicted the mathematical validity of quantum chaos. Faith in a greater good allowed her to believe that everything happened for a reason. By this measure, when I decided to throw away my peanut butter sandwich, even though I was still hungry, the decision was not my own. That decision was either already made as a part of my destiny or the outcome of such decision did not affect the greater good so it was rendered moot. My decision did not affect the rest of mankind, only my own hunger two hours later.

There were too many factors in life. Too many beliefs and structures of thought for any one person to be more correct than the next. More and more I realized that all religious beliefs were nothing more than an answer to whatever question plagued people. They became for most a crutch. I was expected to accept one and move on. The questions I had been asking would all be answered as soon as I accepted a larger notion and allowed it to trickle down as truth. I ask a lot of questions. It’s in my nature. Accepting something without proof is not.

A few hours later, I found myself in the basement of the church, huddled around a long table with a dozen other five to eight year olds. The ceiling was incredibly low in the basement room. I noticed that the teacher’s hair was charged with static and magnetically clinging to the low tiles as she walked up and down the length of our table, passing out stickers as we colored our pages with pictures of our family and the church.

“And who is in that picture with you?” she asked as she passed behind me. She was already moving on to the next student when I answered.

“That’s me with Jesus and Buddha.” She paused, hearing what I said, but not hearing at the same time. The day came to an end and I headed through the parking lot toward my mother’s LTD Station Wagon with a piece of paper clutched in my hand.

“What is that? Did you have fun?” my mother asked as I approached the car with my six-year-old neighbor in tow.

“This is my homework. I need help looking up all of these passages in the Bible when we get home.” I wasn’t happy about the homework.

“Did you get lots of homework too, Joshua?” my mother asked my neighbor as we got into the car.

“Nope, just Travis. He made Miss Embry mad. She said he asks too many questions.” Joshua was a little tattle telling pain in my ass.

“I did not. She just wasn’t smart enough to answer the few questions I did ask.”

“What kinds of questions did you ask?” My mother already sounded defensive.

“Normal stuff, like why are Christian’s right and Muslim’s wrong? Why do Adam and Eve have belly buttons in our coloring book if God created them? THEN, she was very upset that I colored Jesus brown. I don’t even want to talk about that.” My mother just looked at me in the rear view mirror, visibly distraught at my first day experience.

That night we spent what felt like a lifetime looking up each verse in the Bible suggested by Miss Embry. My mother attempted to explain what each one meant to me but it was painfully obvious that she was half confused herself. Eventually we both opted for a break and a “do you understand?” followed by, “Sure” and a sigh. Homework complete.

The next day, I presented my paper, signed by my mother, to Miss Embry. “Were you and your mom able to shed some light on those blasphemous questions?” she asked.

“Nope. There are no answers in this book.” I took my seat after I handed her the paper I’d filled out explaining what I’d read in each suggested verse.

She took the paper, looked it over briefly and chose to carry on class rather than address my continued quizzical comments. Instead of engaging me in a heated debate over every question I brought to the table, Miss Embry chose to ignore my raised hand. I held it higher. She continued to ignore. I added “Miss Embry! Miss Embry! Miss Embry!” to each raised hand. She continued to ignore.

The day concluded so far out of her control that she left twenty minutes before the end of class. The study was resumed by my mother’s pastor, who spent the final moments discussing with us the importance of good manners and knowing our place with Miss Embry. As parents arrived to pick up their little ones, I was held back. “I need to speak with your mother.” I was then sent out to the car to retrieve my mom. This couldn’t be good. Joshua and I, as per yesterday, jumped into the back of the car, except this time, to wait for my mother’s return.

Twenty minutes passed before my mom silently slid back into the front seat. We drove straight home, bypassing the Dairy Barn where lunch had been promised. Joshua and I protested, but my mother continued her homeward course unabashed by our whining.

When my mother and I walked into the house, I was asked to take a seat at the kitchen table. After a few minutes, my mother came in and the interrogation began.

“Are you trying to embarrass me?” she asked in a voice laden with accusation.

“No. What did I do?” I was dumbfounded.

“I was asked not to bring you back tomorrow.” She sat down across from me at the booth my family used as a kitchen table. I must have smiled because her voice climbed an octave in disgust, “That’s exactly what you wanted, isn’t it?”

I stopped. I knew when it was best to just keep my mouth shut. No matter how I answered at this point, my mother was determined to make this my fault. There was no point in arguing. I may as well let her punch herself out.

“Answer me,” she continued. “No, don’t answer that. I don’t want to know. I just hope you realize how this makes me look. I went to the pastor seeking help and you made me out to be the fool.”

Still I sat silent. “Just look innocent,” I thought to myself.

“Nothing? You have nothing to say?” She tapped her foot for a heartbeat. “No, I don’t want to hear it. Do you know what the pastor told me? He said that you were going out of your way to upset Miss Embry by asking her blasphemous questions and ridiculing her as being na├»ve and unintelligent because she was unable… nay, UNWILLING to give you an answer that you couldn’t argue about. I know you’re skeptical, Travis, and smart… but this was about good manners and being polite. One day you’ll learn when being right is not as important as being kind.” She huffed and walked out of the kitchen leaving me sitting alone at the tiny laminated table contemplating what I’d done.

I never returned to Bible Camp. I never returned to the church in any capacity in fact. Not until my uncle was married years later, did I even break the threshold of a building of worship. My mother has always blamed it on my need to ask questions rather than have faith. I’d like to blame it on Miss Embry for being a self-righteous jackass unwilling to mix it up with a kindergartener.


My bestest friend set up a facebook fan page for me!

You should check it out!

Thanks Pixie!

confession… I don’t do the facebook thing. I’m not allowed. Don’t ask. You’re stuck with me here and on Twitter.

High School photo Circa 1990 for Throwback Thursday

I was 13 and yes, that’s a mullet.

Ohhhhh SNAP!