I kept my fears private and away from scrutiny for years. About a 10 months ago, I started to open up and share. At first it didn’t help at all but eventually it started to calm the confusion and quiet the hysteria. I started to be able to go to sleep at night with less and less trouble. It wasn’t just the sharing that did it. It was the support of my anonymous internet friends and the tender guidance of my girl that kept me climbing each rung. In November I decided to put everything into words. I started with the history of my phobia and wove it into a fictional tale that gave me the opportunity to get everything off my chest but not at the same time. It helped. It helped a lot.
I still have nights where I can’t think of anything else. There are still nights where my head won’t cooperate with the rest of my body and I start chasing my tail in mental circles of backwards logic and unanswered questions.
Those nights are fewer this year than they have been in the past. They are still there, but not as often.
I’ve seen lulls like this before so I’m not overexcited, but I am optimistic none-the-less. I know it will never be resolved in my head but I think it’s something that I can manage. For the time being I am hopeful.